


you told the drunks i knew karate

by goinghost



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crew as Family, Fluff, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Prank Wars, ambiguous timeline, background jupeter and vespbud, play with me in this SPACE, the jupeter is a little more in the foreground than the vespbud, this is ridiculous and silly and fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26000827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goinghost/pseuds/goinghost
Summary: As much as he would deny it in the weeks to come, Nureyev started it.--An odd souvenir sparks an unexpected prank war among the Aurinkos. No one is safe when the panther is on the prowl.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 65





	you told the drunks i knew karate

**Author's Note:**

> so here's the thing! i have no excuse for the fact that this is almost six thousand words long. but in my defense, it is probably the most fun i've had writing ANYTHING (fic or original) in months and i'd honestly argue years. it's just a fun and ridiculous romp!
> 
> also should be noted that this fic is entirely based on personal experiences from my childhood and teenage years. this was a real prank war my family had that went on for YEARS until the object of the war (the dreaded panther) was broken in an unrelated incident. it was a wild time and something i remember very fondly in my adulthood. i got some really fun stories out of it. 
> 
> some quick notes before reading:  
> 1) please don't take this too seriously just play with me in this space it is not that deep at all  
> 2) this isn't necessarily canon compliant but it's not NOT canon compliant? i didn't think about timeline at any point in writing this fic so let's just all go on this ride together  
> 3) the hallucination vespa experiences in her section is based off a hallucination that i experienced. sorry i used your hallucinations to further the plot vespa i'm psychotic too it's okay  
> 4) don't ask how nureyev smuggled the statue out. he's a master thief! he's very talented! 
> 
> no content warnings for this one besides just general blanket warning for people scaring each other but in a prank way 
> 
> title from the song 'you told the drunks i knew karate' by zoey van goey!

As much as he would deny it in the weeks to come, Nureyev started it. 

The Aurinkos had touched down on Anubis, an unremarkable planet in the Outer Rim not known to their captain for much else besides the fact that they could refuel there. Buddy had decided to make a day out of it, because even intergalactic criminals needed rest and relaxation. She’d found a reliable lot to park the ship and insisted that the Carte Blanche crew find something interesting to occupy their time with. After two weeks stuck on the ship together in deep space, everyone was looking forward to some fresh air. 

They all split off into pairs. Buddy went searching for a spa of some kind, Vespa trailing after her insisting there must be some place in town where she could restock the infirmary. Rita had spotted a theater advertising Solar movies on their way in and dragged Jet along with her because, “ _Space Goblins 4: Live Fast Die Screaming_ came out last week and I already downloaded it and watched it six times, but you really can’t replace seeing it on the big screen!” Juno didn’t care where he went as long as he didn’t have to stare at the out-of-date paneling of the former tour ship for another second. 

Nureyev used it as an excuse to get all dolled up and see what sights, if any, Anubis had to offer with Juno at his arm. They found a shopping district full of tourist-trappy souvenir shops and local restaurants of all kinds. They had lunch at a cafe that boasted authentic Anubian cuisine and Juno got some coffee to go. Full and satisfied, they went in and out of whatever shops looked interesting. Nureyev cooed over the ridiculous trinkets and Juno pretended not to notice him pocketing the cheap junk. All in all it was a nice way to spend the day. 

Until they found...it. 

The shop seemed like any of the other shops they’d encountered. It was called Deandra’s Emporium and its stock consisted of plastic keychains, cheaply made figurines, t-shirts with cheesy slogans on them, and jewelry shaped like different asteroids from the local belt. Juno had been looking through baskets of 2-cred streams to see if anything looked up Rita’s alley when he’d spotted something strange out of the corner of his eye. 

He turned to the right and came face to face with the most unsettling thing he’d ever seen in his life (and he’d personally blown a megalomaniacal Ancient Martian wannabe’s face off). It was some kind of...animal. Or at least an interpretation of one, with four legs stuck together at its base and a long, coiled neck. Its blood red eyes took up two thirds of its misshapen face and its mouth filled the last third. Despite the wobbly shape of its lips, it almost looked as if it were smiling an eerie grin, all scraggly teeth. Juno didn’t know how long he stared at it but he couldn’t pull himself away. 

A hand touched his shoulder. “What are you looking at, dear?” Nureyev’s voice asked a little ways away from Juno’s ear. 

He jumped at least a foot in the air and then tried to play it off, gesturing vaguely to the weird statue. “Some kind of art...thing?” He tilted his head, “I’m not really sure what it’s supposed to be, but I sure as hell don’t like it.”

Nureyev considered the creature, his eyes sparkling with interest. “Fascinating. I haven’t seen one of these in years.”

“So you know what it is?” 

“Yes, it’s a rather artistic interpretation of a panther,” he regarded Juno, “Do you not have those on Mars?” 

Juno shrugged, still uneasy while in the _panther’s_ line of sight. “They definitely don’t have them in Hyperion City.”

“Well I think it would look rather nice on the ship don’t you? Maybe standing in the common room next to the couch?”

Juno suppressed a shudder and finally tore his eyes away from the panther’s to stare disbelievingly at Nureyev, “Don’t tell me you’re actually gonna buy that thing.”

“Oh Juno,” he laughed, “I’m not planning on _buying_ anything.”

“Wh—” Juno looked back at the panther statue only to find that it was gone. “How—I was watching you just now!”

Nureyev was already almost out the door, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, dear!” 

Juno shook his head and hurried behind him, shooting one last glance at the empty spot where the freaky figure once stood.

* * *

Juno forgot about it. 

Of course he did. Why would he remember? He and Nureyev spent some more time wandering around the shopping district before going back to the Carte Blanche and cooking dinner together for everyone. Well, Juno cooked dinner and Nureyev sat at the table looking pretty and passed him vegetables when he asked. By the time the rest of the Aurinkos arrived at the ship, the panther had all but left his mind. 

They ate as a family like they always did, sharing their escapades from the day. Nureyev didn’t mention the panther when he was regaling the atrocious souvenirs he’d seen that day. Buddy told a story about convincing Vespa to take a mud bath with her (which went about as well as you could expect), and Rita quickly derailed all other conversation to give a minute-by-minute recap of _Space Goblins 4_ with Jet interjecting every time she took a breath to explain why it had been better than _Space Goblins 3._ Just an average, normal family dinner. 

It was Juno’s turn to do dishes so he cleared the table and listened to Rita summarize the entire _Space Goblins_ franchise and describe the cultural impact it had had on the entire galaxy while he scrubbed their plates down. Nureyev appeared at his elbow to help dry, but Juno suspected he really just wanted Juno to help him unlace the corset he’d decided to wear that day and had gotten bored waiting for him to finish. Either way, it saved some time and soon they were in Juno’s cabin getting ready for bed. 

There was nothing off about Nureyev when he put his glasses on the nightstand and kissed Juno goodnight. Juno didn’t feel any unease when he turned off the bedside lamp and settled into the sheets with an arm around Nureyev. There hadn’t been any indication that this night would be the last night of peace aboard their ship for some time. Juno hadn’t suspected that this would be the beginning of the end. 

What an idiot he’d been. 

The next morning came like every other morning. Juno woke up feeling subhuman and smelling like the scum that got stuck to the bottom of your shoes when you spent too much time in the Oldtown sewers. He turned to wake Nureyev up with a sleepy kiss and a mumbled, “‘M gonna hop in the shower,” but the man was gone. Juno shrugged, figuring Nureyev’s early-rising habits had struck again and he was probably already in the kitchen drinking one of his fancy teas with an unpronounceable name. 

He lumbered out of bed and picked the least wrinkled clothes he could find off the floor to wear once he’d washed himself off. Today’s number was a navy blue turtleneck and light brown pants that barely had any stains. He gathered his belt and some earrings and headed to the shower closest to his room. 

Once Juno arrived at the door to the bathroom, he paused. Something about Nureyev being out of bed when he’d woken up nagged in the back of his mind, but he quickly shook it off. He pressed the panel on the wall to open the door and started shucking his pajamas off. 

The shower was nice. It helped him feel less like sewer shoe scum and more like an actual person. At one point he thought he heard the door slide open, but a shouted, “I’m in here!” got no response so he shrugged and finished rinsing himself off. 

Juno really should’ve trusted his instincts.

He shut the water off and pulled the shower curtain aside, only to come face to face with something he never wanted to see again. 

Standing in the empty bathroom, pristine and practically shining, was the panther from Deandra’s Emporium. It’s wide red eyes stared Juno down while he tried to recover his soul from where it had jumped out of his skin at the sight after he gave a truly pathetic yelp. 

The panther remained a lifeless statue while Juno got his breath back, which was nice of it he supposed. But honestly if it was gonna come to life and kill him, he’d prefer it if it got it over with. And then Juno put his face in his hand at what a ridiculous thought _that_ was. Obviously it hadn’t gotten up and walked into the bathroom to surprise him, someone had put it there. So who….

“N—Ransom!” Juno shouted into the bathroom, hoping the thin walls meant Nureyev knew what kind of trouble he was in. 

Juno rushed to towel himself off and get dressed. He gave the panther as wide a berth as he could manage in the small space. He was about to storm out to the kitchen when he got an idea. Nureyev would probably assume Juno wouldn’t touch the thing and go back to the bathroom to retrieve it after Juno was finished chewing him out. Who knows what he’d do with it after that. But if Juno hid it from him then Nureyev couldn’t use it to scare him again. 

He gazed at the panther statue, trying to build up his nerve. With a muttered, “C’mon, Steel, it’s less than two feet tall and made of synth-wood, what’s it gonna do?” He reached over and picked it up. Juno glanced down the hall to make sure no one was looking and stashed it in the nearest vent. He’d figure out what to do with it later. Probably burn it. 

With that taken care of, Juno marched to the kitchen on a mission. Just like he’d thought, Nureyev was lounging at the table with his leg propped up over his knee and his hand curled around a mug of tea. He seemed to be in conversation with Jet, who didn’t look like he was being very receptive. Juno didn’t bother listening to what they were talking about before he stomped up to Nureyev and pointed a finger in his face, “You tried to scare me with that weird animal thing you got from the tourist trap we went to yesterday.” 

Nureyev had the gall to act surprised, pushing Juno’s finger lightly out of the way, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t play with me,” Juno narrowed his eyes, “you stuck it in the bathroom while I was showering as some kind of prank or something.”

He kept up the surprised act for a second longer before smiling devilishly in a way that Juno pretended not to appreciate, “Did it work?”

“Wh—No! I heard the door open so I knew it was gonna be there,” Juno lied. 

“Hmm, that’s strange,” Nureyev said, “because I could’ve sworn I heard a sound like a dog that had been kicked coming from that side of the ship a few minutes ago. Followed by _someone_ shouting my name.” The expression on his face could be described as downright _impish._

Juno growled, “Yeah, well you should get your ears checked.” 

They stared at each other for a few more moments, Juno glaring and Nureyev grinning widely, before Jet piped up, “I am unsure what this conversation is about.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Juno said, “I’m burning that thing before anyone else has to look at it.”

Nureyev pouted, “Oh, come now, Juno, you can’t mean that. It’s a work of art!” 

“Art or no, it gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.”

“But think of the _potential_ ,” Nureyev gestured for Juno to lean down and whispered so that Jet couldn't hear him, “No one else on the ship has seen it yet. Don’t you think it would be entertaining to expose them one by one? What's the harm in giving everyone a bit of a scare?" 

Something about that tickled the back of Juno's brain. With a start, Juno remembered the years of prank wars he'd had with Ben while they were still living with Ma. They'd been gruesome, both of them too stubborn to give in. They would spend weeks trying to one up each other until eventually it’d reach a head and they’d have to call a truce until one of them decided to start things up all over again. He thought about when he would have to tackle his brother just to stop him from laughing at Juno covered in glue or tar or any other sticky substance, both of them giggling and out of breath knowing this was just harmless fun in a world that was much more dangerous. Knowing that they had each other's back and some well-placed glue wasn’t going to change that. 

Nureyev definitely hadn’t had that. Juno couldn’t begin to guess why he’d decided to scare Juno that morning. Maybe he was trying to make up for the ridiculous things he’d never gotten to do in his youth. Maybe he just thought it’d be a fun way to spice up ship life. Either way, it was obvious he was feeling the same heat that fueled the Steel brothers’ prank wars all those years ago.

And Juno thought about what Rita’s face would look like when she saw the monstrosity currently residing in the hall vent. 

“Fine,” Juno said, “Let’s do it.”

Nureyev always did manage to talk him into things way over his head. 

* * *

Rita woke up and did what she did every day when she woke up: she immediately copied down all of her thoughts, feelings, and memories into her sparkly pink dream journal. Franny said if you wrote your dreams down they could tell you something, so Rita figured if she wrote _everything_ going on in her mind then she’d learn even more!

She didn’t bother changing outta the kitty cat onesie she’d fallen asleep in. Rita loved the way its cloth poison stinger swished behind her as she walked. Besides, the Aurinkos were a family! And family got to see you in your pajamas and hopefully comment on how cute you looked in ‘em. 

The kitchen was full of people by the time she got there. Miss Vespa was helping Captain A adjust the IV attached to the nutrient pack she got every morning, and Mistah Jet looked like he was doing some kinda crossword puzzle except the words went diagonal too. Just an average, normal family morning. But wait…

“Where’s Mistah Ransom and Mistah Steel?” Rita asked. Mistah Ransom usually got up early to get himself some tea and Mistah Steel always followed not long after. 

“They seem to have had an argument—” Mistah Jet said.

“Oh no!” 

“But then it resolved itself and they exited the kitchen. I am not sure where they went.” 

Rita took the chair next to him, grabbing an orange from the bowl they kept on the counter on her way down. “Huh, weird.”

“Not any weirder than usual,” Miss Vespa grumbled. She was staring intently at the coffee machine while it worked its magic. 

“I mean usually they woulda at least had breakfast, right?” Rita started peeling her orange, “And it’s not like Mistah Steel to skip out on coffee in the mornings and you’re the one makin’ the pot right now.” Rita gasped, “Oh no! What if they’ve been replaced by aliens! Or robots! Or alien robots! Oh, this is just like in that show _Alien Robots_ when Brody doesn’t show up at the space cafeteria for dinner and they go looking in his room and all that’s left’a him is a pile of bones! And then Jaime had to turn in the bones as evidence because they had space goop on them so they couldn’t even give Brody a proper funeral, but then in season three he shows up again as an android except he escaped his programming and now he’s trying to revolt against the alien robots who turned him so he wasn’t really dead after all and—”

Captain A held up an elegant hand, “Rita, darling, I’m sure Juno and Pete are just fine. In fact, maybe you ought to bring them something to eat since they seem to have forgone breakfast this morning.”

“That’s a great idea!” Rita started stuffing orange slices into her mouth to free up her hands. Once she’d eaten the whole thing, she grabbed a mug that said, “GALAXY’S MOST HAUNTED” and filled it with coffee. With her other hand, she started loading granola bars and different kinds of fruit into the pockets of her onesie. She knew it’d come in handy!

Once she was all breakfast-upped, she made her way down the hall to Mistah Steel’s room. As she listened to the sounds of the ship creaking and groaning in the empty hallway, she couldn’t help but worry if she really would just find a pile of bones where Mistah Steel once stood. 

What would she even do with a pile of bones? She didn’t know how Mistah Steel wanted to be buried! And they’d already taken off from Anubis late last night so they couldn’t bury him anyway! There was nowhere to bury someone in space! 

She’d worked herself into a frenzy by the time she showed up at his door. Barely pausing to make sure she didn’t spill any coffee, Rita slapped the panel on the wall and prepared to see bones or space goop or an alien robot lying on the floor. What she saw was much worse.

It was some kinda monster! Red eyes starin’ straight into her soul, fangs that looked bigger than her pinky, a long, twisting neck. It was barely two feet tall but it looked like it didn’t need to be any bigger. And it was in position to pounce. 

Rita slammed a hand on the door panel to close it, turning tail and running back into the hall as fast as she could, Mistah’s Steel’s coffee going flying and spilling all over the floor. Her mind instantly went to the worst. This thing was some kinda alien creature and it must’a attacked Mistah Steel or something! She had to warn the rest of the crew! 

She high-tailed it back to the kitchen and huffed a breath. “There’s a weird freaky alien thing on the ship! It’s sitting in Mistah Steel’s room!”

Everyone stared at her blankly. Miss Vespa was the first to speak, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“There’s some kinda _thing_ sittin’ in Mistah Steel’s room and it looks evil! We gotta stop it!” 

Captain A and Miss Vespa exchanged glances. Mistah Jet took a sip of his tea contemplatively. “Could you show us, dear?” the captain asked. 

Rita led them back through the hallway she’d just booked it down. There were scattered pieces of fruit that had fallen out of her pockets like some kind of weird breadcrumb trail. 

Once they got to the door she gestured to the panel. “I ain’t gonna open it.” 

Miss Vespa rolled her eyes and shouldered her way to the panel, stepping in a little puddle of coffee with a groan. “Right, let’s see what’s inside.” She pressed her hand against it and they all watched as the door slid open to reveal the creature Rita had seen in the exact same position as before. 

No one reacted for a moment. And then Mistah Jet let out a quiet humming noise. “It appears to be fake.” 

Rita opened her eyes from when she’d squeezed ‘em shut, “Huh?”

“He’s right,” Miss Vespa walked straight up to the thing and tapped it with her fist. It made a hollow thunking noise. “Thing’s made of synth-wood.”

“But what is it? And why is it here? And where’s Mistah Steel and Mistah Ransom?”

“Right here, Rita,” Mistah Steel said, coming out of the little closet each of the cabins had. Rita’s not entirely sure how he’d managed to fit into it to hide in the first place. “Ransom picked up this god awful thing yesterday and thought it’d be funny to surprise you with it.”

Mistah Ransom appeared out of nowhere when Mistah Steel said his name, “Ah, it seems the panther’s out of the bag now.” He looked at the rest of the crew who were watching him with varying levels of amusement (Captain A), annoyance (Miss Vespa), and resignation (Mistah Jet). “I was planning on surprising each of you, but since you’ve all already seen it, we may as well get rid of it.”

“Not so fast,” Captain A smiled, “I can think of the perfect place for this lovely creature.”

Vespa glared at her partner, “Bud, we are not putting that thing in our room.” 

“Not to worry, Vespa, that wasn’t my intent at all.” Her smile had taken on a conspiratorial look that no one seemed to like. 

“So I don’t get to burn it?” Mistah Steel asked. 

“No, but don’t worry,” Captain A winked for no one but herself, “I’ll take care of it.”

Mistah Steel considered that for a few moments. He looked back at the panther and then back at Captain A. “Whatever,” he grumbled, “As long as I don’t have to see it again.”

Captain A didn’t respond to that, she just scooped up the statue and walked off in the direction of her and Miss Vespa’s cabin. 

The remaining Aurinkos were quiet for a few seconds. Then Rita pulled a crushed granola bar out of her pocket and held it out to Mistah Steel, “You want some breakfast?”

* * *

A week went by with no mention of the panther incident. 

Jet was unperturbed by this. He did not know why the panther was so significant beyond the lack of artistry that went into creating it. It looked like an interpretation, albeit strange one, of a panther, an animal he had seen many times. Nothing worth the fuss that had happened. 

What Buddy had done with the statue remained unknown and eventually fell out of everyone’s minds as they continued to prepare for their next heist. Jet had originally assumed Buddy was planning on displaying it somewhere for the entire crew to see, but the statue had yet to turn up in any of the communal areas of the ship. Or anywhere else on the ship for that matter. 

However Jet did not care enough about the whereabouts of the panther to ask Buddy what exactly she had planned for it. He spent the week thinking of many other things, including his upcoming routine check up on the Ruby 7. 

It was entirely capable of its own maintenance to the point that Jet was still unsure how most of its functions worked, but he enjoyed the methodical work of detailing the interior and exterior. It had been a part of many heists since Jet had re-acquired it and so he did what he could to maintain its perfect appearance when it spent its days racing through all manner of environments. 

At 9 o’clock in the morning, Jet changed into the stained white shirt he usually used when working on the Ruby 7. He entered the garage and began gathering the tools and materials he’d need for the day. Once everything was prepared and within arms reach, he said in his usual cadence, “Ruby, open all doors.” 

The Ruby 7 flashed its headlights at him and did as he’d instructed. All of its doors sprang open and he knelt down to begin his work when he spotted...it. 

The panther.

It sat in the front seat of the Ruby 7, angled oddly to keep it from falling sideways onto the middle console. Jet regarded the panther with much less interest than he suspected Buddy had wanted him to when she had obviously placed it in the Ruby 7 for him to find. It remained a poorly made rendering of a panther.

Jet considered his options. He could destroy it. But it was clear that Buddy had a fondness for it that he was unable to understand but not unable to see. He could attempt to hide it somewhere for Buddy to find. This, he suspected, was what Buddy wanted him to do, however Jet was unsure about contributing to the cycle of hiding the panther when he’d prefer it to go away forever, if nothing else, to prevent anymore shouting among the crew of the Carte Blanche. 

Well, if he would like to break the cycle but not destroy the statue, then he would put it somewhere on the ship where it was unlikely to be found by anyone. 

Jet picked up the panther and stuck it under his arm, making his way out of the garage and down to the infirmary. As he suspected, there was no one present when he arrived. All of the cabinets were, of course, locked as they always were, but Jet’s goal was not one of the cabinets. 

At the back of the small room was a closet where Vespa housed excess medical equipment that she’d picked up in case it were to ever become necessary. There was rarely a need to go into the closet. In fact, during their time on the Carte Blanche together Jet had never seen Vespa enter it. He was only aware of its purpose because she’d sent him to obtain some of the equipment residing within. 

With a nod to himself, he opened the closet and sat the panther inside, tucked into the darkness where it would remain undiscovered and out of the way for hopefully some time to come. 

Satisfied, Jet went back to the garage to continue detailing the Ruby 7, whistling to himself as he worked. 

* * *

_BEEP._

Vespa frowned at the noise from where she stood in front of the cabinet where she kept the painkillers. She’d been doing inventory before they left Neptune just in case she needed to send someone out for some last minute supplies. By her count everything was accounted for and reasonably stocked. They shouldn’t need to buy anything more illicit than a bottle of acetaminophen for at least another two weeks. 

_BEEP._

Vespa shook her head. It was probably nothing. None of the equipment that could beep was even turned on at the moment. Just another noise her melting brain had decided to cook up for her. 

_BEEP._

She growled. Could that noise be any more annoying though? Vespa locked the cabinet back up and clipped the keys to her belt loop. She shook her head one final time and started for the door. 

_BEEP. BEEP. BEEP._

Ugh! She turned, looking for the source of the noise even though she knew there wouldn’t be one. The beeps started coming rapid-fire, pounding into her skull in high-pitched waves. They sounded like they were coming through the closet door at the back of the room. 

That didn’t make sense, because nothing in that closet had been turned on since they'd picked up Juno and Rita at least. But if opening the door was what it took for her brain to shut the hell up, then that’s what she would do. 

Vespa stomped over to the closet and pressed the panel. The door slid open just as the beeps reached a crescendo. 

_BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP._

Over and over again. She hadn’t realized she’d squeezed her eyes shut until she opened them again once the noise had finally died down. And when she did, she wished she hadn’t. 

That godforsaken panther statue stood at the center of the noise, almost as if it had been the one beeping so that she’d open the door for it. Vespa reacted on instinct, kicking it into the wall with a _BANG_. 

The panther took it hard. It wasn’t the most well made piece of junk. When it bounced off the wall and rolled towards her feet Vespa could see that she’d managed to decapitate it. 

Good fucking riddance. 

It was finally broken, but that wasn’t the end of it. Someone had put it here to freak her out and she was going to find out who. 

* * *

Juno shifted uncomfortably in his seat, tapping the toe of his boot against the metal floor of the Carte Blanche. 

Buddy had called a family meeting, “At Vespa’s insistence.” And he had no idea what to expect. They were still in the planning stages of whatever Buddy had on the schedule next, he was pretty sure, so this could only mean that something had already gone wrong. And if Vespa was involved, it was a safe bet that the blame would be placed on him. 

At the other end of the table, Vespa stood and cleared her throat. She reached under the table and sat down two misshapen wooden blocks for all of them to see. Juno blinked. It was the panther, now with its coiled neck twisted off and head lying chipped and unattached from its body. It didn’t look nearly as creepy, dismembered as it was. 

“There,” Vespa said, “That’s the end of the weird game you all have been playing. No one gets the stupid panther now.”

Juno wasn’t sure if he wanted to ask, but he opened his mouth anyway, “What happened to it?”

“I’ll tell you what happened to it, Steel. _Someone_ ,” and here she glared at him, “decided it would be a good idea to try to scare the paranoid assassin and this shitty thing paid the price.” She turned her gaze to each of them, “So what I wanna know is who thought it was okay to hide this thing in the infirmary closet?”

“There’s a closet in the infirmary?” Rita asked.

Juno stopped staring down Vespa to glance at her, “Rita, what did you think that extra door led to?”

“I don’t know, I always thought it was a secret lab or somethin’. Oh! Or maybe a panic room! Or, or maybe a—”

" _Yes,_ there’s a closet in the infirmary.” Vespa said through clenched teeth. “But that doesn’t answer my question. Who put the panther there to try to freak me out? Was it you, Steel?”

“Hey, wait a minute, I didn’t touch the—”

“Or was it Ransom?”

Nureyev tried for a laugh, “Vespa, I assure you I haven’t seen the statue in weeks.” 

“Well, it wasn’t Rita. So who else could it—”

“It was me.” Everyone turned to see Jet staring resolutely ahead with his customary almost-entirely-blank expression. 

Vespa looked shocked, “What?”

“I placed the statue in the closet. I had assumed no one would be opening it for quite some time and that it would allow everyone to forget about it. I was not aware you ever even opened the door.”

“I usually don’t…” Vespa frowned, “So you weren’t trying to psych me out or something?”

Jet’s expression became just a bit more abashed, “No. I apologize if it frightened you, as that was not my intent. I merely wanted it out of the way for good.” 

Rita looked between Vespa and Jet and then said, confused, “But Mistah Jet if you wanted to get it out of the way, why didn’t you just keep it in _your_ closet?”

Buddy, who’d been silently watching the conversation unfold, nodded, “I’ll admit I am curious about that too, dearheart.” 

Jet looked momentarily caught off guard. Juno watched as he seemed to find the answer in his mind at the same time that he said it. “I suppose I did not want to have to see it for myself either.”

“Huh,” Vespa took a seat in the chair behind her. “Well now no one’s gonna be seeing it because I’m tossing it out the airlock next chance I get. Any objections?”

“I think it would make a stunning addition to the common room now that all the fun’s been had but I fear Juno’s constitution couldn’t handle seeing it every day.” Nureyev said, grinning.

Juno elbowed him, “I’d like to see you meet a Martian sewer rabbit and we’ll see who has the constitution for what.” He waved a hand at Vespa, “Yeah, get rid of it. I still think we should burn it.” 

Rita shrugged her shoulders, “Ya know, I looked it up and panthers are a kinda cat, but that thing ain’t nearly as cute as the cats I’m used to so I say send it to space and maybe it’ll find a family that appreciates it a bit more.” 

“I would prefer it if it were no longer on the ship,” Jet said. 

Vespa’s gaze softened as she looked at Buddy, “Bud?” 

“I’d say it’s done its job of causing a ruckus, especially considering everyone seems to have been spooked by it at least once. No shame in tossing it to the void of space.”

Vespa nodded and gathered up the two broken pieces of the panther. She set them under her arms and made to head to the cockpit. “Now that that’s settled, takeoff in five.” 

Jet followed her, probably because Vespa wasn’t exactly the greatest at flying the ship (but neither was Juno, so he couldn’t say much). 

Rita looked at the remaining crew with an inquisitive expression, “Did everyone really get scared by the panther?” 

“I guess,” Juno considered it. “Yeah, everyone except Ransom, because he had it first, and...Hey, wait a minute, no one got Buddy.” 

Buddy grinned mischievously from her seat at the table. “You’ll find, darling, that it’s very difficult to _get_ me in most circumstances. Just be glad the poor thing broke before we could get any repeat offenders. Pete was right, I’d hate to consider your constitution.”

Juno groaned, “Not you too. I’m not gonna crumble to dust because of some stupid prank. I’d say that thing scared Rita more than me, anyway.” 

“Yeah, Mistah Steel, but I didn’t get all grumbly about it now did I?”

“What do you mean, grumbly about it?”

“Just like what you’re doin’ now, Mistah Steel!”

“I’m not doing anything!” 

“Apologies, Juno,” Nureyev interrupted their argument, “I was only teasing. I promise your honor is intact.” He gave Juno a light kiss on the cheek, and Juno tried very hard to fight back a blush.

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled, turning to press a kiss of his own to Nureyev’s jaw. “I’m just glad the stupid thing’s gone.” 

“Oh how I’ll miss it,” Nureyev said and smiled. 

**Author's Note:**

> i'd love to know what y'all's favorite part was in the comments! or just any thoughts you have about this fic! i love getting comments! 
> 
> if you'd like to see more ridiculous penumbra content and also serious penumbra content, follow me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/GHOSTZVNE)


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